Saturday, September 1, 2012

Two weeks...

It's been two weeks and two days since Peter was born. It feels like a lifetime ago. There has been very little about my emotions and feelings these last two weeks that has gone as expected. I never know whats going to set me off, what will start the tears. A medical card came in the mail for Peter today. I wouldn't have expected that to lead to tears, but seeing it just reminds me that he should be here with us. Knowing he'll never need that card, but seeing his name printed on it nonetheless, just something about that led to deep emotion. But I literally went from happy to tears in seconds. It was unexpected. 

We placed Peter's headstone today and laid grass seed (and I did THAT without tears. Go figure!). It is small and simple, but perfect. I actually love it even though for a long time I would have thought it too small and simple. Even the day before we ordered it I was leaning toward one larger and more expensive. I am very grateful that I found this one while googling. It was meant for him. 

All I want to do are things that honor and remember Peter. Scrapbooking, organizing pictures, visiting the grave, making a garden, shopping for stuff for the cemetery (two beautiful solar lights!), reading about heaven, and even making breastmilk soap: these are just some of the things I've been doing. It makes me feel closer to him. Ordinary tasks are the hardest. Cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys. They have nothing to do with Peter! It seems like a waste of time!

When I talk to other moms or read grief stories I wonder why I'm doing so well. I even start to feel guilty, like they miss their babies more than I miss mine (which I know isn't really true). I managed to go two days last week without even crying, and I think I had two days this week as well. I've broken down over the past week but it's just moments, it's not the whole day like it was during the several days after the funeral when I felt so empty and void. I know God's grace has a lot to do with it. I know that having six months to prepare, knowing goodbye was coming, helped a lot. But still I am a little surprised that I'm not a complete and utter mess most days. When I run out of things to do - when I complete the photo book, when the memorial garden is finished, when all the prints are ordered and framed, when my milk is gone.....I fear that will be when the sadness will really set in, when it will all feel truly final. 

I've been asked to share my story on a Catholic blogging site. That is very exciting. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to share Peter's life with as many people as possible. And hopefully, somewhere along the way, someone will choose life for their anencephalic baby because of Peter. 

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