Saturday, July 14, 2012

A whirlwind of emotions

I'm finally getting out of my funk. It was a rough few weeks. I'm not sure why I was hit so hard by the sadness and negativity. Perhaps it's normal and natural. Perhaps it's hormones. Perhaps it's the devil. Or a combination of all of the above. I'm going to confession in a few hours. I expect I will feel like a new person spiritually by 4:30. It really does do wonders for the soul! 

I'm blessed to have friends who reminded me that it's normal and it's ok to me angry at God. He can take our anger and sadness and bitterness. Rather than praise Him and worship Him I was finding myself yelling at Him. I know there isn't a "why". I know in my brain that He grieves for Peter, too, and that He loves us and supports us. But my brain just says why do bad things keep happening!? Why won't he just fix Peter!? Julie asked me that - why Jesus doesn't heal Peter. That was a hard conversation. It's hard to know how to deal with all of these emotions. Through the whole experience I've been surprised at the speed with which my emotions change. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, and just as quickly feeling hopeful again.

I'm having some success in not paying too much attention to the calendar. I'm full term now. Peter could potentially come any time between now and 5 weeks from now. But I just can't focus on that. I have to just enjoy the last few weeks with him without thinking that they ARE the last few weeks. For the first time this morning, while praying and thinking, I felt truly excited to meet him. I know it sounds awful - a mother not excited to meet her son. But I already know Peter. And he's safe and healthy and loved right where he is. So it's hard to want to give birth to him knowing that it's the beginning of the end. But today I pictured holding him, looking into his sweet face, and for the first time it sounded joyful instead of just bitter sweet. 

But listen up God. That doesn't mean I'm ready for labor! I want more time! Please? 

Saturday, July 7, 2012

New territory

A wise woman who has already walked this journey told me that losing a child changes you. I don't know why hearing it from someone else made that click. I guess I thought eventually I would get past it and just be who I always was. But that's not the path I'm on. That's not the life I lead. I want to allow this experience to change me for the better. I want to be a better person, a better Christian, a better mother for having known Peter. But honestly I don't know how to do that. Emily from told a group of us that she could choose to feel sad or choose to feel blessed. I do feel blessed but I feel so very sad. I hope I can be as joyful and feel as blessed as Emily after we've said goodbye to Peter. I'm sure she was sad at first, too - I don't mean to imply that she didn't and doesn't still grieve her daughter. Lately I've been so sad and full of anxiety over his coming birth that I have been a worse mother and a worse Christian. How do I put aside my anxiety and sadness over the coming loss and just enjoy him for the last few weeks that he's here? I want to enjoy our last few weeks together.

It's amazing how things that were once so important just don't seem so important anymore. My family, our health, and my relationship with Jesus: those are the important things in life. Dirty floors, artificial coloring, clean sheets, too much tv, a toddler wearing just a diaper all day...those don't seem like big deals anymore.

Please Lord, let us have time with Peter. Let us bring him home. Let him sleep in my bed and maybe even nurse like my babies before him. Show me how to turn tragedy into blessings. Make us stronger, better people for having known him. Amen.

Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck. I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me. I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God. Psalm 69:2-4