I'm finally getting out of my funk. It was a rough few weeks. I'm not sure why I was hit so hard by the sadness and negativity. Perhaps it's normal and natural. Perhaps it's hormones. Perhaps it's the devil. Or a combination of all of the above. I'm going to confession in a few hours. I expect I will feel like a new person spiritually by 4:30. It really does do wonders for the soul!
I'm blessed to have friends who reminded me that it's normal and it's ok to me angry at God. He can take our anger and sadness and bitterness. Rather than praise Him and worship Him I was finding myself yelling at Him. I know there isn't a "why". I know in my brain that He grieves for Peter, too, and that He loves us and supports us. But my brain just says why do bad things keep happening!? Why won't he just fix Peter!? Julie asked me that - why Jesus doesn't heal Peter. That was a hard conversation. It's hard to know how to deal with all of these emotions. Through the whole experience I've been surprised at the speed with which my emotions change. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, and just as quickly feeling hopeful again.
I'm having some success in not paying too much attention to the calendar. I'm full term now. Peter could potentially come any time between now and 5 weeks from now. But I just can't focus on that. I have to just enjoy the last few weeks with him without thinking that they ARE the last few weeks. For the first time this morning, while praying and thinking, I felt truly excited to meet him. I know it sounds awful - a mother not excited to meet her son. But I already know Peter. And he's safe and healthy and loved right where he is. So it's hard to want to give birth to him knowing that it's the beginning of the end. But today I pictured holding him, looking into his sweet face, and for the first time it sounded joyful instead of just bitter sweet.
But listen up God. That doesn't mean I'm ready for labor! I want more time! Please?