I am OK. Really. I have bad days, as does my husband, and planning the funeral is really, *really* hard, but overall I am actually alright. And I know it's prayer and God's grace. I love feeling Peter move. I feel blessed to know this little person growing inside me, who has no idea that he will know Jesus in just a few months. My family will be better for having Peter in our lives.
I am not angry at God. I believe this has actually strengthened my faith in the Lord. He does not will evil. Yes, he allows evil to take place. But I believe that always leads to a greater good. Perhaps my story will save a baby? Maybe someone will decide to give their terminal baby a chance at life. I've not heard of one single mother who regretted carrying her child to term. But it's not hard at all to find women who wish they'd given their babies a chance to be born. The words that I keep repeating are: From my arms to God's, knowing only love. Peter will know only love, not suffering, not sadness, not grief, and God willing, not pain.
One day I pray that I will make it to heaven and my precious Peter will be there with his brother or sister we lost 2 years ago, waiting at the gates to welcome me home.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. From whence does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and for evermore.