Saturday, July 7, 2012

New territory

A wise woman who has already walked this journey told me that losing a child changes you. I don't know why hearing it from someone else made that click. I guess I thought eventually I would get past it and just be who I always was. But that's not the path I'm on. That's not the life I lead. I want to allow this experience to change me for the better. I want to be a better person, a better Christian, a better mother for having known Peter. But honestly I don't know how to do that. Emily from ourcarolinegrace.blogspot.com told a group of us that she could choose to feel sad or choose to feel blessed. I do feel blessed but I feel so very sad. I hope I can be as joyful and feel as blessed as Emily after we've said goodbye to Peter. I'm sure she was sad at first, too - I don't mean to imply that she didn't and doesn't still grieve her daughter. Lately I've been so sad and full of anxiety over his coming birth that I have been a worse mother and a worse Christian. How do I put aside my anxiety and sadness over the coming loss and just enjoy him for the last few weeks that he's here? I want to enjoy our last few weeks together.

It's amazing how things that were once so important just don't seem so important anymore. My family, our health, and my relationship with Jesus: those are the important things in life. Dirty floors, artificial coloring, clean sheets, too much tv, a toddler wearing just a diaper all day...those don't seem like big deals anymore.

Please Lord, let us have time with Peter. Let us bring him home. Let him sleep in my bed and maybe even nurse like my babies before him. Show me how to turn tragedy into blessings. Make us stronger, better people for having known him. Amen.

Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck. I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me. I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God. Psalm 69:2-4

7 comments:

  1. Oh, Steph, I wish I could give you a hug. Know that I am praying for you every single day, I offer up my suffering for your family. You are a stunning example of love and faith and family.

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    1. Thank you for your support and prayers. You've been so fantastic through this whole journey.

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  2. Stephanie,

    You and your family are always in my prayers. We lost a child through a still birth (cord accident), the loss does change you. If you allow Jesus to work through you it is always a change for the better. Our son, Joshua, will always be a part of our family. I have, at times, asked for his intercession. I know the struggle you are going through is no comparison, I cannot immagine the difficulty. We are storming heavan with prayers on your behalf. You have been a great blessing and inspiration to many of us. Know that Christ and all your friends are carrying you in their prayers everyday.

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I don't think losses as difficult as both of ours can or should be compared; no matter how a child is lost it is a heart wrenching situation. I remember reading stories about infant lost, and remember when my dear from lost her baby to stillbirth, and crying for those women, thinking of the incredible heartache. Never did I think I would be among them. I will get through this, I just hope I am a better person on the other side of the journey.

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  3. Hey Stephanie,
    I'm glad you could find some comfort through my journey. I know it's a tough place to be right now, and it's ok not to be perfect. I struggled a lot with Caroline. Just keep pressing on. Always remember that God is gracious and compassionate. He will be faithful to give you what you need as you need it. Feel free to email me or whatever if you need to! Hang in there. You're doing fine. :)
    Emily (http://ourcarolinegrace.blogspot.com)

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    1. Thanks, Emily. Your prayers mean so much. It's comforting to know that people follow us on our journey, think about us, pray for us, and that Peter will be remembered long after he is gone from this world. It is especially helpful to see people like you who have gone through this and can still live a joyful life praising Him.

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  4. Yes, you make choices in how you react but not always how you feel. Sure, you can choose b/t joyness and sadness at times but at other times I don't think it's that simple. It's ok to feel sad. And you can even be sad and joyful at the same time! Such a mix of emotions.

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