Many of us have had to change our idea of family through the years as visions and reality don't quite meet up. Perhaps a spouse died, or maybe a job was lost and a move across the country was necessary. Maybe a couple can't conceive or suffers from secondary infertility, the mother is ill and can't continue to carry babies, or other circumstances don't allow for them to grow their family as they had hoped. Or maybe a child was born with a birth defect, developed an illness, or even died. We don't just grieve the child or spouse that we lost, we grieve for the children that maybe never be, the family we'd envisioned, the life we thought we would make for ourselves and our family.
I'm a planner. I am fully aware of the saying "when we make plans, God laughs". Is it ever true! Not to say that God purposely messes up our plans or takes pleasure in seeing them change. He knows all of this was going to happen anyway. I had envisioned my daughters being best friends. I was so excited to learn of having another girl when I was pregnant with Natalie! Best friends! I prayed for it, I was sure it would happen, even if not now, eventually. But then we found out Natalie wasn't your typical child. Sure, my girls love each other and are friends, but it's not the same. There won't be midnight calls to each other when one of their children is running a fever. They won't be writing college term papers together. I had to change my vision. I had to grieve that loss and move on to reality, which is my new idea of family.
I thought we would have a medium or large sized family. We take our faith and the teachings of our church seriously. We are always open to new life. That won't change. But God doesn't call us to have as many babies as biology will allow. He asks us to use the gift of fertility prudently. I am still grieving that my family is going to be small. With the various factors in play with a hereditary condition that can result in a variety of outcomes, we've decided it's probably not prudent to continue to grow our family, at least not with biological children. That has been extremely difficult for me. Now I have to grieve that loss as well, and move on to reality, our new idea of family. And of course I also have to remember that it is ALL in God's control. It's all in his hands. If he so chooses he could send me another baby or two, healthy or not. WE are not in control. HIS plans are the only ones that count. His will be done. I am so blessed to have Peter in my life. I honestly wouldn't change any of this. I am so grateful for the opportunity to know him and to love him. I hope that his short time on earth will have true meaning beyond just my family. I hope that his memory lasts much longer. I hope people realize that ALL life matters. ALL LIFE IS SACRED.
May my baby boy, my only son, have a lasting change on this world. I love you, Peter.
Lastly I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart who have donated toward the funeral expenses. That has been a big stress for me for the past 4 months, and your generosity is easing that stress. I will get around to thanking you all individually but I didn't want to let that go any longer than necessary.
Thank you again for all your prayers.