A whirlwind of emotions

I'm finally getting out of my funk. It was a rough few weeks. I'm not sure why I was hit so hard by the sadness and negativity. Perhaps it's normal and natural. Perhaps it's hormones. Perhaps it's the devil. Or a combination of all of the above. I'm going to confession in a few hours. I expect I will feel like a new person spiritually by 4:30. It really does do wonders for the soul! 


I'm blessed to have friends who reminded me that it's normal and it's ok to me angry at God. He can take our anger and sadness and bitterness. Rather than praise Him and worship Him I was finding myself yelling at Him. I know there isn't a "why". I know in my brain that He grieves for Peter, too, and that He loves us and supports us. But my brain just says why do bad things keep happening!? Why won't he just fix Peter!? Julie asked me that - why Jesus doesn't heal Peter. That was a hard conversation. It's hard to know how to deal with all of these emotions. Through the whole experience I've been surprised at the speed with which my emotions change. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, and just as quickly feeling hopeful again.


I'm having some success in not paying too much attention to the calendar. I'm full term now. Peter could potentially come any time between now and 5 weeks from now. But I just can't focus on that. I have to just enjoy the last few weeks with him without thinking that they ARE the last few weeks. For the first time this morning, while praying and thinking, I felt truly excited to meet him. I know it sounds awful - a mother not excited to meet her son. But I already know Peter. And he's safe and healthy and loved right where he is. So it's hard to want to give birth to him knowing that it's the beginning of the end. But today I pictured holding him, looking into his sweet face, and for the first time it sounded joyful instead of just bitter sweet. 


But listen up God. That doesn't mean I'm ready for labor! I want more time! Please? 

New territory

A wise woman who has already walked this journey told me that losing a child changes you. I don't know why hearing it from someone else made that click. I guess I thought eventually I would get past it and just be who I always was. But that's not the path I'm on. That's not the life I lead. I want to allow this experience to change me for the better. I want to be a better person, a better Christian, a better mother for having known Peter. But honestly I don't know how to do that. Emily from ourcarolinegrace.blogspot.com told a group of us that she could choose to feel sad or choose to feel blessed. I do feel blessed but I feel so very sad. I hope I can be as joyful and feel as blessed as Emily after we've said goodbye to Peter. I'm sure she was sad at first, too - I don't mean to imply that she didn't and doesn't still grieve her daughter. Lately I've been so sad and full of anxiety over his coming birth that I have been a worse mother and a worse Christian. How do I put aside my anxiety and sadness over the coming loss and just enjoy him for the last few weeks that he's here? I want to enjoy our last few weeks together.

It's amazing how things that were once so important just don't seem so important anymore. My family, our health, and my relationship with Jesus: those are the important things in life. Dirty floors, artificial coloring, clean sheets, too much tv, a toddler wearing just a diaper all day...those don't seem like big deals anymore.

Please Lord, let us have time with Peter. Let us bring him home. Let him sleep in my bed and maybe even nurse like my babies before him. Show me how to turn tragedy into blessings. Make us stronger, better people for having known him. Amen.

Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck. I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me. I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God. Psalm 69:2-4

So close

In two weeks I will be full term. Someone please tell me how to slow this down! My due date is 5 weeks away, and of course he could come early or late. I'm just so not ready for this. I want to keep him in my belly forever, where he's safe and happy and healthy. I am not at peace with this anymore. I just want to slow down time and have more kicks and punches and ultrasounds. I should be happy and excited to meet him, but instead I find myself wanting to wait because hello will mean goodbye. I am not ready for goodbye.

We had our monthly ultrasound today. Peter is getting much bigger. He's still very small for his gestational age but has gained over a pound since my last visit, making him approximately 2lbs and 12 ounces. He could easily be under 6 pounds at birth. I guess it all depends on when he decides to make his appearance. I have a few hats for him but I want to start on a new one. I would love to make one with doggie ears (I got him a little brown and orange romper with a dog!) but that might be beyond my crocheting abilities.

Julie loves talking to Peter, feeling him move, hugging my belly. She is definitely attached to him. Prayers for her to have peace would be very appreciated. Actually I could use a big, fat dose of peace right now, too, if you could throw my name in on that prayer.

Blessings to you all,
Steph

Friendship

I have the greatest friends in the world! Many may be miles and miles away, scattered across the country. Some are new, having met them through this experience. They have all been my support, my shoulder to cry on, and my prayer warriors. Without these good Christian women praying for me and supporting me, I don't know how I would have gotten through the last 4 months with my sanity intact. There are dozens of people, maybe more, who I don't even know who are praying for us. A large group of friends got together to make me a prayer shawl, each contributing one handmade square. But it ended up that so many women wanted to participate that I got a beautiful quilt instead! It's been such a comfort on sad evenings. When I feel grieved and alone, I wrap myself in that quilt and pray and cry. The kind volunteers from Isaiah's promise have made me and Peter many beautiful, handmade items including his baptism gown, which I believe is also what we will bury him in. Friends have also been generous with their financial support, helping us with Peter's funeral expenses. And old childhood friend just wrote to let me know she is arranging a food tree for us, so we won't have to eat sandwiches and take out for days or weeks after the birth.  My oldest friend from childhood even insisted that I could call her home from the beach if I need her when I go into labor. And the quick notes to check in on me and CaringBridge guestbook comments still mean so much. It means people are thinking of us, remembering us in our time of need. Even knowing these wonderful women and their kind hearts, I am STILL overwhelmed at the amount of love and support that has flowed from all of them. 


I hope everyone in trying situations has the support of wonderful friends. You've all be so kind, caring, wonderful.....may God bless each and every one of you. Love, Steph

A big thank you to Steve's boss

My husband's boss generously started a fundraising drive to help pay for funeral and burial expenses for the upcoming birth of Peter. Thank you to Noelle and Dewey, to everyone who donates, and also to everyone who has sent donations to me privately. It's so very appreciated, and definitely helps to remove some stress at this difficult time. Raise Money for Baby Peter Shock | YouCaring

Newest ultrasound appearance

We had a really wonderful experience this week going for an elective 3D ultrasound. We got to spend time with him and go home with a CD, DVD, and heartbeat recorder. He's gotten so chubby! He just looks like a cute little newborn now instead of the hairy, skinny look that they sport in the 2nd trimester. I know I will treasure these even more in the months to come.

33.5 weeks...

Wow, I can hardly believe it. I wish I had the ability to slow down time. It's going so fast. When I hot 30 weeks I started to feel..... panicked? I don't know if that's the right word. Like there's a clock ticking, counting down to one of the best and worst days of my life. I'll get to meet my first son face to face for the first time. And I'll have to say goodbye. There are just no words to describe how that feels. 

I went to a social event last night to meet with a group of moms who've also lost babies, some with anencephaly as well, others for seemingly no reason at all. It's so comforting to not feel alone, to see these other moms who value their children as much as I, whether here or in heaven, and to know that I will get over it. I will eventually heal. It just takes time and faith and prayer and support. 

Seeing Peter on 3d and 4d ultrasound at Precious Previews was amazing. I mean, sure we've gotten to see him every 4 weeks since I was 14 weeks, but this was different. She wasn't there to check the heart and measure the femur; we got to just look at his darling face (his cheeks are so chubby now!!!) and talk about him and listen to her describe what we were seeing and how the ultrasound was working......it was really a wonderful gift. THIS is our time together. This is when we get to know him and enjoy him. So I am grateful that there are places like that where we can go and just feel a little closer to him. 

I won't lie. The last two weeks have been very trying. I'm generally a very upbeat person and I've dealt exceptionally well with this tragedy I think. But the last two weeks have been much more difficult, and I think it's only going to get harder as I get closer and closer to saying hello and saying goodbye. I still feel so blessed to know him, to have him be a part of our lives, and to have him make an impact on others' lives. But I sure am going to miss him.