Monday, August 8, 2016

Goodbye for now, again

Am I really here again? Hugging another baby for the last time in this life, trying desperately to remember the feel of her body in my arms, so I can relive that sensation when my arms physically ache to feel her? Watching my daughter cry for missing the sister she never knew? How am I here again? Why, God, did you send me another soul to cherish, knowing she wouldn't be here long?

I ask these questions, though I know I won't receive an answer. I am not sure there is an answer to receive, as least not this side of heaven. Meanwhile, my soul aches, and grief is deep, my arms yearn to hold my baby, and my breasts are full of nourishment meant for her. But this time I can't even distract myself with mindless activities like errands, cleaning, cooking, or gardening, because I am already overdoing it after the surgery and need desperately to do nothing.

I'm designing a grave marker and assembling a slide show when I should be nursing and wishing I had a moment to wash the spit up out of my hair. I'm trying to be the best mom I can be to the two girls I still have with me, when I feel like I can't even care for myself. I'm trying to figure out how to help a 10 year old navigate her grief when I, a grown women, am not sure how to navigate my own.

None of it is fair. None of it is right. I will never cease wondering why otherwise healthy babies are abandoned, aborted, allowed to become addicted to drugs, or otherwise neglected or abused, while my children can't even survive a day out of the womb. I don't know what God is trying to teach me, but I only hope that my childrens' lives, their very existence, have made the world a better place, have made others appreciate their healthy families, have shown the world that all lives matter. All lives have value, even those of babies who are too sick to even make it to term. All I can do is lean on Christ, on his Blessed mother, and my friends and family, allow the Eucharist and prayer to sustain me, and be the best wife, mother, and Christian I can be, while I wait to meet my babies again.

We know that all things work for good for those who love God. Bethany's life will work for good. My grief will work for good. Please Lord, let this experience work for good in the life of my precious daughters. Let Julie not be anxious about having a family, about the very idea of pregnancy. Let our grief turn to joy at the thought of rejoicing with them and you again someday (but not too soon!).

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. -Proverbs 3:6