Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Goodbye for now

Our sweet Molly Elizabeth went to her heavenly home Saturday morning, at 19 weeks gestation. And if I've learned anything from this unique experience, it's that we are not in control. Truly we might as well give up any illusion of control, because there's just none to be found. It seems I've learned a lesson from each of my 6 pregnancies. Or perhaps it would be better noted that I've learned bits and pieces of a lesson, each filling in a little more of a puzzle, because I still can't see the full picture.

With my first baby I thought being pregnant meant I would get to raise a child. I was, thankfully, right. But looking back the assumption was absurd. With my second pregnancy, I hoped for my girls to grow to be best friends, but their relationship will be quite different than I had imagined. By the third, I knew nothing was for certain, and lost that baby. But with my fourth, Peter, even more shattering news broke us. I didn't think I would ever have to face actually losing an infant. Who does? With this baby I thought that no anencephaly would mean she would live, even if she were developmentally delayed. I thought making it to 14 weeks meant I would make it to term. But once again, our plans are not ours to make. We are not in control of life, of our children's lives.

I don't know if God wanted this to happen, or simply allowed it to happen in order to accomplish some other, greater good. So often suffering draws us nearer to him, as it's doing for me with this devastating loss. Perhaps we will be a stronger, more faith filled family as a result of the experiences we've endured.  I know Peter drew us closer to Him as children of God, and closer to each other as husband and wife. It's one blessing amongst the pain.

I started reading a book about suffering from a Christian perspective. I think the author makes a very valid point when discussing the faith of people in third world countries, unspeakable poverty and suffering, and war torn nations. In times of stress their faith increases, church attendance increases, reliance on God increases, whereas in wealthy nations such as our own, those things continue to decrease, and any trial has people questioning God's very existence. He claims (I have not researched myself) that questioning why God allows suffering is unique to Christianity, and that the answer can be found within Christianity. I just know I can't wait to find out how this all turns out, why it all happens the way it does, and I can't wait to meet my 4, very loved children when I get there.

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