It's been just over 8 weeks since Peter left us and I ache for a baby in my arms. I know that's "normal" after you lose a baby but knowing something is normal doesn't make it any easier. I held a little one year old girl for only a moment, just long enough to feel her pudgy belly under my hands and have her look into my eyes and give me a goofy smile. And oh did my heart ache! I wanted that so badly for myself, for my family. I wanted to add another child to my home, a sibling for the girls, another grandchild. And selfishly I wanted to experience all those typical milestones that I didn't get to experience in the usual way with Natalie. But even thinking about another pregnancy is so scary. There are so many unknowns. I can't imagine putting my family though that again. No child should have to lose one sibling; losing two is unimaginable.
I've spent a lot of time in prayer lately, trying to learn and discern God's will for my family. Is God calling me to have more children? Is he calling me to go back to school, back to work? Sometimes I wish he would just TELL us what he wants for us! I want to do His will, but I just don't know what his will actually is!
I don't know if there will ever be another baby growing in my womb. I've mostly accepted, and even found the positives in, not having more children. But it still makes my heart ache for another little newborn in a sling, a toddler learning to walk, hearing first words and seeing first smiles. I don't know that I'll ever stop aching for that. In the meantime, I will continue to pray that God'w ill is revealed to me, and that I willingly accept it.
amen Steph
ReplyDeleteHugs. BTDT. I've felt the ache for the baby that never was, and never will be. There are no words for that pain. Just know that I'm still praying for you, friend.
ReplyDeleteWe just received our diagnosis last Tuesday and, for whatever reason, today this very topic has been very much on my mind. I already find myself grieving for not only for the life of the child we will lose, but also all of these things that we will never get to experience with him or her. My heart breaks for you as well, but I want to thank you for sharing your story because it has already helped me so much.
ReplyDeleteK, I'm so sorry you received this devesting diagnosis. Please know there are so many great resources out there. One wonderful place I've found support is on a Facebook group. Just search on FB for anencephaly.info. Also the links I provided here for anencephaly info and Isaiah's promise might be helpful to you. Feel free to contact me any time. Ill double check to make sure I am reachable by email through my blog.
ReplyDeleteIt's a hard road you're on. In my experience the pregnancy was much harder than the grief I'm dealing with now. Not everyone is like that but I wish id known that then. I was afraid the grief was only going to get worse, which at some points seemed unimaginable.
Prayers for you.