The power of faith

I am OK. Really. I have bad days, as does my husband, and planning the funeral is really, *really* hard, but overall I am actually alright. And I know it's prayer and God's grace. I love feeling Peter move. I feel blessed to know this little person growing inside me, who has no idea that he will know Jesus in just a few months. My family will be better for having Peter in our lives. 

I am not angry at God. I believe this has actually strengthened my faith in the Lord. He does not will evil. Yes, he allows evil to take place. But I believe that always leads to a greater good. Perhaps my story will save a baby? Maybe someone will decide to give their terminal baby a chance at life. I've not heard of one single mother who regretted carrying her child to term. But it's not hard at all to find women who wish they'd given their babies a chance to be born. The words that I keep repeating are: From my arms to God's, knowing only love. Peter will know only love, not suffering, not sadness, not grief, and God willing, not pain. 

One day I pray that I will make it to heaven and my precious Peter will be there with his brother or sister we lost 2 years ago, waiting at the gates to welcome me home. 


Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills. From whence does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and for evermore.

Nearing the 3rd trimester

I'm 26.5 weeks today, just a week and a half from the third trimester. I can't believe it. When Peter was diagnosed I thought, how am I going to do this for 6 months? But I can't believe how quickly it's gone. I know the third trimester will be bittersweet as Peter grows and shows his personality, kicks hard enough for others to feel, and then as pregnancy discomforts increase and the time to say goodbye draws nearer. 

We had our prenatal appointments today. External measurements are almost on target, just a little small. On ultrasound he's weighing a pound and still several weeks behind in growth. But he's strong, heart looks excellent according to Dr. Sweeney, and we still have every hope that we will have a full term, normal delivery!

 

The tech couldn't get any great 3D shots this week but we did get to really see him moving around on ultrasound. He is so much bigger than 4 weeks ago! Or at least it seems so. I posted a cute picture of his tiny feet :) I never get tired of watching him on screen, comfortable and safe and healthy. 

Grieving

It's so comforting to have people ask how I am, just drop a line to see how I'm doing or let me know they're praying for me. If you have other friends or family who are grieving or in a difficult situation, most people seem to be comforted by knowing people remember them, recognize their pain, and care about them. You won't remind them of the grief by mentioning it - they haven't forgotten it. Especially for parents who've lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth it seems common for people to expect that person to quickly "get over it" and move on. Others around them forget their loss or are uncomfortable by the mention of the lost child. But the parents don't forget the loss. Their children in heaven are as loved as their children on earth. What a tragedy it is for that child to be forgotten by all but the parents.

Check-ups

April 5th, Holy Thursday, I went to Annapolis for my midwife appointment and the monthly ultrasound. Peter is doing great. The perinatologist, Dr. Sweeny, said he looks great, healthy, and sees nothing so far that will cut the pregnancy short. Heart beat is strong and steady, but he is still measuring small. Now he's about 18-19 weeks (I'm almost 23 weeks). The midwives have been kind and supportive, and will still be the ones to deliver Peter even if we decide to go with a hospital delivery. 

It was so wonderful to see Peter on ultrasound, wiggling, kicking, playing with his fingers. The placenta is anterior, which is probably, along with his smaller size, why I haven't felt a lot of movement. I did feel three gentle kicks this morning, which was wonderful. 

Sirach 6

"Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter:

whoever finds one has found a treasure.

Faithful friends are beyond price;

no amount can balance their worth.

Faithful friends are life-saving medicine;

and those who fear the Lord will find them.”

-Sirach 6:14-16

We've been reading this passage during Friday stations of the cross. It really spoke to me. Those who have been so kind, generous, loving, supportive - they have been friends. Most are scattered across the county. Some I've never even met in person. Many who've prayed for us are friends or family members of friends, people I've never even spoken to. In a time when families are scattered across the county, are involved in their own goings-on, in a time of dwindling faith, in a time where people seek their own paths, I've been grateful for friends near and far, friends who've watched our kids, friends who've offered to drop everything and help us when the baby comes, friends who've sent books, made rosaries, are making clothes or blankets or hats. 

I don't believe it was God's will that my child die. I do believe that God takes tragedy and makes good come of it. I believe it's our job to find that good and nourish it. I believe making new friends is one of those goods that will come of this. 

Thank you.

Blessed!

Reading the stories of people's experiences with their caregivers makes me realize how blessed I am. The perinatalogist who diagnosed the baby, the sonographers, they've been kind and sympathetic. I have not once heard the word termination or abortion or induction. It's been the same with Special Beginnings and the midwives. I am blessed to be care for by compassionate people who do not judge me. Thank you Lord.

Surprise!

We got the amniocentesis results today. Molly is a boy! I suppose I was a bit premature in assuming the technician was correct. We're still discussing names, but I think we are going to go with Peter Benedict. It's a name we've both loved for a long time. Julie prefers Max or Jack. She's not very happy :)

We also learned that the baby does in fact have a genetic abnormality. He has the reverse of what Natalie has. Part of her 13th chromosome is duplicated, and this baby is missing that same portion. We are actually quite surprised because not only are neural tube defects not a part of this particular chromosomal abnormality, but the baby appears to be otherwise healthy. It was always thought that a baby with the deletion would have multiple medical issues. So it leaves me wondering if more problems will show themselves as the pregnancy progresses. As of now the heart, kidneys, stomach, all look normal. 

I almost bought the baby's burial garments last night. Steve said, "let's wait to get the definitive results from the amnio". So wise. I started making hats last night. I finished one white one and was just starting on a dark pink one. Starting was incredibly hard, but once I got going I found it to be a great opportunity to pray for him and us. For a while I was praying for strength. I still am, but I find my focus changing as the weeks pass. It's interesting how priorities change. How things that once seemed important no longer matter, and how things that didn't get enough attention somehow come to the foreground.